Where did I go?

I'm feeling a bit lost. I've lost that person I used to be! I used to be energetic, charasmatic, motivated, extremely confident, and wouldn't let ANYTHING get in my way of acheiving anything! At first I blamed it on getting older, now I'm just blaming it on how I've chosen to live my life. If you would have read my myspace 'about me' section (back when myspace was the 'it' thing) you would have wanted to be my friend..lol. Now, I'm just a lost individual struggling to find that 'thing' again and the only reason you would want to be my friend is becasue I take good pictures. I'm attempting to start a photography business, which I've found is one of the only things that make me happy. But lately that doesn't even seem to cut it. I used to be independant...now I'm relying on a man whom I love with all of my heart but I don't think he's up for the part of being a 'provider'. He's a father to my son and a wonderful boyfriend..at times...but thats still not enough for me. ARe my expectations just too high? I dont know. I just wish I knew..something.

Just WHAT am I doing?

I really have no idea. The only thing i DO know, is that I LOVE my son and i am a good mother and I will someday soon be doing what I love to do, take pictures. thats it. is that too much to ask? Why is it so hard to find that happy medium between myself and.....myself. I feel right now that I'm just 'here'...yep...Im just here.

Im not where I thought i would be at 27. But what fun is it to be where you thought you would be? Im over having fun. Im ready to be serious. I want a career, a want to be married, I want another baby...is that too mych to ask? Or is it just too much when the other wants exactly the opposite? My boyfriend wants just that, the opposite, we arent on the same page at this very moment..and at one time i thoight we always would be. relationships aer hard....thats why i NEVEr liked them. I was a single, independant gal who loved herself, knew herself, and wanted to only be WITh her self....slamming the door in any potential man's face.Until one day i didnt, and now Im wondering if I should be the same way. If only someone would write out directions to my life and mail them to me i would be forever grateful!

I missed this picture! It was taken around 2007 I believe and I just came across it while cleaning up my computer. This is Sara, she has been a dear friend of mine for over 10 years! That is a long time to keep a friendship going. Of course, life has taken us in different directions at times but we have always kept in touch. Actually, I believe that is the most beautiful thing about a sacred friendship and gives it more meaning. When we finally have the chance to speak we have so much to inform each other about. She just had her third child and I am heading over to her house tomorrow to take some baby pictures. Maybe this will get my baby fever out of the way. At the end of the day, this girl is one of my dearest friends and I am so happy she came into my life when she did, when I needed a friend the most.

blah blah...blizah

Im ready for things to look up. Im ready for my life to become happy. I know life is what you make it which only makes me feel that much more of a loser. Ive made it this way. I rely on unreliable things which in turn make me depressed. Thats what I am, depressed. I need to find a good doctor. I always thought I could manage things with exercise or partying Where are the parties??! and where is the energy to exercise? maybe I should try one of those miracle 5 hour energies.If I could overcome these withdrawls from my used to be happy, content nature, Im sure i could accomplish more. Motivation, please come find me.

taking it all too seriously

I worry. Alot. Ecspecially lately. It seems that I've been completely consumed with crappy little nerves that make my stomach hurt, I think its called "worry" "or "the constant thinking of all the stress in ones life and trying to come up with ideas to make it all go away..".... So tonight I was cooking turkey bacon, once agan, for my 7 yr old and I thought "what is the use of all this worrying, no one else is making it half as big a deal as I am.." I avoid phone calls (alot, I like to text for some odd, society driven reason), constantly thinking about "what if"...and its starting to get to me. I believe if I just have different outlooks on things, it wil change the entire vibe of the whole situation and it wont cause me anxiety. I went through too much turmoil for the 2 months daniel and I were seperated, I think if I can survive that...I can take on anything, emotionally. Financially, thats a different story, I also rememeber the phrase "whats the worst thing that can happen?" they tell me that I breached the contract becuase I allowed a family to take over my lease so i could move back in with my boyfriend/ soon to be finace'.? What? lol.No, that will not happen..life is way too short to fret on the small stuff and its crazy that I'm 26 and am just now truly  understanding that concept, a title of a book I got for my high school graduation. 'Don't sweat the small stuff'..I'm sure I sitll have that book around here somewhere. Should have read it I suppose.

always gonna mess something up

Doesn't matter what I do or what I say or what I text, its going to run over into something else and be made into something that its not and ruin the night or moment. Seems like that is all I know what to do, make impulsive decisions and say impulsive things which lead to being disturbed. For both of us. Alls i want to do is make this relationship work and  be with Daniel for the rest of my life, and Ayvins life, but if this trust issue isn't resolved soon, that is not going to happen and who knows what WILL happen. Scary. Until I'm able to productively have that thought in my head, it should stay away. I'm not stable at the moment. Or shall I ever be?

Sleeping in

I slept in today. Maybe because I just like to sleep. Maybe I shouldnt enjoy it so much beasue I feel it could draw me into a habit of not ever being able to get up early again...like say maybe for a JOB. =) The JOB that I will one day have that will fill me with joy and satisfaction. Oh, for where art thou? Anywho, But I had sooooo many things to do on this day tand I see that they are no longer on my agenda. I think since I've always had SO much on my daily agenda since I've been 15, I'm taking advantage of this unemployed state I'm in by sleeping in, eating too much, and enjoying my free time with whatever that may be.

Does the dog whisperer travel to INDIANA?!

So my boyfriends dog keeps pissing and tracking mudd in the house! he has pissed on my and my sons things for almost 2 years now! WTH?? its makes me soooo mad. I would love for him to just pack his bags and run away, but then on other days I want him to stay. GRRRRRRRRR

Another Year

Do we always have to wish that the new year will be better? Or can we just set our expectations low so that way we do not disappoint ourselves? This year, I have not set a new years resolution for the simple fact that I am undecided on what I would like to improve, since that seems to be the top reason to set one, to improve oneself. There are many many parts of my life that I would like to improve, seeing friends more often, not judging before I know (but really, do we ever really KNOW?), lose weight, quit smoking, spend more time with my little man, and become a cub scouts leader! How fun would that be? Soon, I will pick one and will be sure to let you know. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

PS. I did nothing on New years..but spend time and took lovely pictures to remember the laid back evening.