blah blah...blizah

Im ready for things to look up. Im ready for my life to become happy. I know life is what you make it which only makes me feel that much more of a loser. Ive made it this way. I rely on unreliable things which in turn make me depressed. Thats what I am, depressed. I need to find a good doctor. I always thought I could manage things with exercise or partying Where are the parties??! and where is the energy to exercise? maybe I should try one of those miracle 5 hour energies.If I could overcome these withdrawls from my used to be happy, content nature, Im sure i could accomplish more. Motivation, please come find me.

taking it all too seriously

I worry. Alot. Ecspecially lately. It seems that I've been completely consumed with crappy little nerves that make my stomach hurt, I think its called "worry" "or "the constant thinking of all the stress in ones life and trying to come up with ideas to make it all go away..".... So tonight I was cooking turkey bacon, once agan, for my 7 yr old and I thought "what is the use of all this worrying, no one else is making it half as big a deal as I am.." I avoid phone calls (alot, I like to text for some odd, society driven reason), constantly thinking about "what if"...and its starting to get to me. I believe if I just have different outlooks on things, it wil change the entire vibe of the whole situation and it wont cause me anxiety. I went through too much turmoil for the 2 months daniel and I were seperated, I think if I can survive that...I can take on anything, emotionally. Financially, thats a different story, I also rememeber the phrase "whats the worst thing that can happen?" they tell me that I breached the contract becuase I allowed a family to take over my lease so i could move back in with my boyfriend/ soon to be finace'.? What? lol.No, that will not happen..life is way too short to fret on the small stuff and its crazy that I'm 26 and am just now truly  understanding that concept, a title of a book I got for my high school graduation. 'Don't sweat the small stuff'..I'm sure I sitll have that book around here somewhere. Should have read it I suppose.

always gonna mess something up

Doesn't matter what I do or what I say or what I text, its going to run over into something else and be made into something that its not and ruin the night or moment. Seems like that is all I know what to do, make impulsive decisions and say impulsive things which lead to being disturbed. For both of us. Alls i want to do is make this relationship work and  be with Daniel for the rest of my life, and Ayvins life, but if this trust issue isn't resolved soon, that is not going to happen and who knows what WILL happen. Scary. Until I'm able to productively have that thought in my head, it should stay away. I'm not stable at the moment. Or shall I ever be?

Sleeping in

I slept in today. Maybe because I just like to sleep. Maybe I shouldnt enjoy it so much beasue I feel it could draw me into a habit of not ever being able to get up early again...like say maybe for a JOB. =) The JOB that I will one day have that will fill me with joy and satisfaction. Oh, for where art thou? Anywho, But I had sooooo many things to do on this day tand I see that they are no longer on my agenda. I think since I've always had SO much on my daily agenda since I've been 15, I'm taking advantage of this unemployed state I'm in by sleeping in, eating too much, and enjoying my free time with whatever that may be.

Does the dog whisperer travel to INDIANA?!

So my boyfriends dog keeps pissing and tracking mudd in the house! he has pissed on my and my sons things for almost 2 years now! WTH?? its makes me soooo mad. I would love for him to just pack his bags and run away, but then on other days I want him to stay. GRRRRRRRRR

Another Year

Do we always have to wish that the new year will be better? Or can we just set our expectations low so that way we do not disappoint ourselves? This year, I have not set a new years resolution for the simple fact that I am undecided on what I would like to improve, since that seems to be the top reason to set one, to improve oneself. There are many many parts of my life that I would like to improve, seeing friends more often, not judging before I know (but really, do we ever really KNOW?), lose weight, quit smoking, spend more time with my little man, and become a cub scouts leader! How fun would that be? Soon, I will pick one and will be sure to let you know. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

PS. I did nothing on New years..but spend time and took lovely pictures to remember the laid back evening.

Background of Me

Hello bloggers and friends!  I have decided to keep this blog as an update for anyone who is interested in learning and knowing that I am struggling and doing just fine at it. Is it NOT normal to struggle? Hmm...I can say that it is unless you show me one single person on this crazy earth who is not struggling emotionally, physically, or even, oh my!, financially! To sum up my life before this blog, to the ones who have never met me, I got my high school education at Lewis Cass High School and graduated in 2002 with a basic diploma. (yea I'm pretty much Basic),,Then went on to enter a community college while just randomly picking a degree which I "thought" was the one for me,  but of course every 18 year old 'thinks' alot of the wrong things are good for them. So I condemn any parent who throws their child into the swarm of hands at a community college their first year out of high school, its just cruel I tell you! I am going to give Ayvin the option of going right in or waiting until he learns this world of ours is a tough one and realizes what he was put on this earth to do, then he may go into college not wasting any money or time...which it will be my money, I can promise that! ( I have well rounded parents but they never went to college therefore they could not instill these thoughts into me while growing up.) I entered in the Early Childhood Education program, wow! I dn't know what I was thinking, but I think I was thinking that I loved children or something...lol. After the observations I had to complete and the pregnancy that came creeping along, I quickly found out that was NOT that case, children are not for me, except for my own of course! Does anyone else think that also? I mean, how crazy is it to love your own child so much, but to despise the next door neighbor's annoying little kids? So I changed my major to Medical Assisting. I can handle blood and making a difference in ones life per day. I love paper work and tasks that make me use my mind. I thought " ok this will work, this profession is just for me"....little did I knowthey make jack crap! But the money isn't all of it,....(hehe, yes it is when you are a single parent trying to make it up in this world)....All in all, I chose that program and was not changing it again. While attending college for 7 years, I learned alot about people and the medical field. I met alot of different personalities, learning alot of different perspectives, and make alot of crazy decisions. These past 7 years have been the bestyears of my life, so I think. I'm sure there are still some to come. I graduated with my Associated in May of 2010. I technically graduated in December, but of course the family members didn't congratulate me until they saw me acutaly walk the stage and be hanged a diploma, little to their knowledge, it had nothing in it. Heck, I didnt even have to go, they mailed it to me. But since I'm such a peeople please, thought they would like to see their daughter, granddaughter, one day daughter-in-law, walk on a stage to be handed a blank portfolio looking thing. It actually was one of the best days of my life. I can't lie.
So, now I am living at my boyfriend/ soon to be hopefully one day "fiance"s house with my Ayvin, working at Red Lobster. YEP,  am a server. Not an MA. Still looking and looking and looking. I enjoy looking for a job, but when it comes down to it, I just wish I could skip the interviews and have them just hire me. lol In the end, I will have a stable job, making stable money, marry my boyfriend, and life happily ever after, getting there is the difficult part, just because it takes effort. I have learned this year, 2010, that ambition is everything, and God does pave a road for us. But he also gives us minds, to think with and to make the best decisions possible for that given time. So when something doesn't go My way, I don't blame anyone but myself and I have done that up until now. Due to recent unfortunate events, I have learned many lessons, do not take ANYTHING for granted becasue once its gone, it can be gone forever, unless you accept responsiblity and realize, you cannot change anything once its done. You can only work on making it better and work on making your faults into something positive.